Is it already March?

When you're an outsider, you don't come to "make a difference" in the same way insiders do.

The point was driven home to me by my wise mother. "Honey, it's great that you're learning French, but know that you will never be as impactful in a French-speaking country as you would be in an English-speaking country. You won't be as impactful in Geneva as you would be in LA. You know LA, and LA knows you."

For a second I thought, "Ouch, burn!" But as soon as I got over the insult, I took it for what it was. I realized that even in English-speaking London, I lack a certain cultural competence that would make me as useful as I was in LA. Let's face it, what matters is the little things. It's knowing the nitty gritty details and little nuances of a community and its needs and the powers that be that make you fully useful. That's what has made doing community service so challenging this year in London. Plenty of Rotary scholars found the same thing. The conception of community service is not quite the same here, maybe because of their extensive government sponsored social services, or maybe just because it's not as "cuddly" of a culture.

On top of this frustration--and let me tell you, it's a big one. Let me digress. Catherine and I were talking about those moments when you realize how petty your little miseries are in the face of more important issues outside of yourself. Those moments are usually brought about in our direct service with marginalized communities. "My concern about what dress to wear is silly, people are homeless/sick/hungry." Not having that regular interaction with a community to ground you makes "It's dark in London in the winter" seem like an un-managable crisis (though this lack of sun thing is bad in itself). Anyways, everyone is frustrated to not know London enough to serve it. It's not an excuse for our failure to serve; in fact, I'm mentoring at a school right now. But it's not the same--it's just a matter of knowing the nuances of a community and culture, knowing what growing up in England is like, etc.

So as I was saying--on top of this frustration of not knowing a new place enough to feel useful in a service capacity, London is also an...interesting...place. I've always thought that any city is a just made up of small, tight communities. LA is made up of the kids that play soccer with Lakewood AYSO, Boyle Heights's Dolores Mission community, Santa Monica's twenty something professionals who bike, etc. But London...is...not... Some parts may have a sense of solidarity, but it's the exception rather than the rule. Part of it is just that there is so much going on and so many people. I thought it might have been just me, but an English friend of mine affirmed this. She comes from a more community-based part of England and says "I just don't feel rooted here?" For both of us, it's the first year out of undergrad, a major transitional year, where we have to find how we fit into this world in some sort of community where we can be impactful and feel...rooted.

I kinda feel like one great big failure sometimes. All that LMU education, big name scholarship, and soooo little impact. Go change the world! Now!! You don't have a year to waste!
But the truth is, when you're an outsider, you shouldn't expect to be impactful the way original members of the community can be impactful. To come in...and claim that you know what they need...is quite arrogant. Unfortunately, it's how many aid and development efforts are carried out. It's not to say that we are entirely useless. I love the kids I mentor at this high school. I think they get a lot from me, and I get a lot from them. But the kind of service and the kind of relationship I build...is one of learning. One of humility. One of enrichment. Not the same kind of impact when I lobby for a law that I know impacts LA in a particular way.

I've just come to accept the year for what it is. One of learning. Yes, there are definitely ways in which I have contributed to the cultural enrichment of the people in my dorm who have not met an Indonesian-American, social justice-driven, pageanting, feminist, Jesuit educated, labor activist, martial artist, scholar. Yes, I have inspired five high school students to aim higher and obtain a higher education. But I have not been as impactful here as I was in Los Angeles. I was naive to think that I would. Just because I'm competentscholar doesn't mean I'm gonna be this saving grace in London, Geneva, or even (especially!) a developing country. I've come to accept these next few years to be a learning experience with an unrelenting focus on service and community.

In thinking about the next step, I often think it would be better to go "home," where I have cultural competence, and would make a huge difference. The closer to home I get, the more impactful I'll be. But is it really time for that? Or is it still time to learn and explore?

Russell once told me after a service trip to Mexico, "I feel like we're just messing things up. We make cement to build a house, and we're not very good at it. We're also not very good at painting. And we give more work to the community that has to host us. Isn't it more efficient to just send money?" My response: "Well, it's not about efficiency, is it? It's about building community and human relationships, and it's about learning. It's like letting a 5 year old bake a cake with you. She's not helping, and she's making a mess. But she's learning, and you're bonding."

Dear World,

Will you let me help you bake a cake? I know I'll make a mess, but I bet will have tons of fun doing it. Kthanksbye.

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